Back. Have been since Sunday evening but I've been exhausted. Getting up at 6:30am for math class doesn't help. At least my final is tomorrow and then I'm done. Gotta cram some studying in before work tonight tho.


PortCon was pretty awesome despite some of the downsides.

( Con report~ )

Pics are here.

So uh, my computer is fried. My dad tried to explain what happened but what I got out of it was that my harddrive is fine, and the data can be recovered, the computer is just broken. It was at least 5 years old anyway, so it's all right. We're looking into a new one that'll get me through school, probably two--a desktop to handle my art and a cheap laptop I can carry around.

I probably won't be online much, since I'm preparing for Portcon next weekend, and when I do get access to my mom's computer I need it to finish up my freaking college apps.

Beh. Things are okay, I guess. I've got a lot of loose ends to tie up. Thankfully I won't be PMSing at the con. Yay for timing.


In other news, I FINALLY BEAT ODIN SPHERE. After what, a year. More.

It was pretty awesome. So I guess it was worth it.


...I want to cosplay Oswald.

I really need to stop putting things off. UGH.

What does it take to get OUT OF HERE, seriously.


*sigh* Well. My new boots. They're pretty awesome. Maybe I'll take some pictures.

PortCon in two weeks. <3

Also, after I get back from that, I'll be pretty much free for the rest of the summer, besides work. Speaking of which, I got a coupon for Six Flags that lets up to 8 people pay the kids price, which is something like $30. So it would be pretty awesome if people felt up to a Six Flags trip sometime. Possibly in cosplay. :x Since I've only been to one amusement park in my life and all.


I miss people.

Um, and. Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I've been in kind of a strange mood lately--despite the amount of time I spend online I can't seem to reply to comments in an organized/timely fashion. x.x

Happy birthday to meeeeeeee


I don't feel 19. Then again the only birthday where I really felt my age was 17, I think.

17 was a nice number.

My mom's buying me a pair of black combat boots tomorrow <3


Things are looking up for next year. Can we say 90% chance of going to school in the fall for the win.


( some more doujinshi rambling. a bit of ranting about hentai x.x )

Freakin' IRS. Apparently I forgot to sign my tax forms.

I want my return check arghhhhhhhhhh.

*headdesk*

Now I have to wait after I send the letter back for it to process. Hngh.

Sinus headaches are the worstttt. First I had a sore throat, then congestion, and now it's a cough and my head is stuffed like a freaking Thanksgiving turkey. I'm gonna go in search of some decongestant. x.x

I'd better get better by tomorrow, 'cause it's the Annual Boston Cosplay picnic (1:30 PM on the Commons, wheee) and I get to see Aki and Sora and Cloe and everyone. Next week I'm going to have to squeeze in some time with Newton ppl too. >.< I've been bad about arranging get-togethers. Maybe it's just stress, maybe I'm lazy.

...sent an email instead of a phone call, but I have one more to make. I guess I'm just frustrated because it took me so long to figure out what I wanted for myself, but now that I'm trying the process is so long and agonizing that it almost feels like it isn't worth it. I guess my parents are just at a loss for what to do, but they really don't feel supportive at all. My mom keeps saying negative things and it seems like she's given up on trying to give me any sort of positive reinforcement. The root of the problem, I know, is that I'm still at home. I'm infinitely more confident when I'm on my own, and when I know there's no one around who might take care of things for me, I step up. But with my parents around, even though I know they aren't going to make phone calls for me, I still have that feeling of complacency.

We'll see, I guess. No matter what happens it's not the end of the world, I'll deal.

...So, my iPod that I thought I lost at Miami airport in January? My mom found it in the bag with my sailing shoes. >.> So it's a bit smelly but after a charge it works just fine. On the other hand, I seem to have lost/misplaced/gotten my PSP stolen. That means system, case, memory card and Crisis Core UMD. Needless to say, I'm not happy. >.< (that's nearly $300 right there) I'm hoping that this is the usual "I put it somewhere and I'll find it in a while and think 'D'oh how did I forget it there!?'" because if it's not..ugh. I know I had it when Sora came over the other week. I almost always keep it in my bag, which means if it was stolen it was someone at work, since I don't have a locker. If so I'm going to kill someone. Ughhhhhhhh.

( and some Odin Sphere )

...off to see if I can manage to clear my head long enough to get important things done.


I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
the farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
a little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
and the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to you

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

It's just a goddamn phone call. I don't know, maybe my mom is right and I should take something for anxiety, because it's always been this way. Calling people on the phone, even friends, makes me unreasonably nervous. It's better if it's their cell and I know they'll pick up, but the idea that a parent or a sibling might pick up makes me sick to the stomach. Calling strangers is even worse, sometimes I can force myself to do it and sometimes I just can't. I get horribly anxious, maybe not to the level of having a panic attack, but pretty close. So I just keep making excuses and putting them off until it's late and then I'm embarrassed to even try because it's late.

So I've basically most likely fucked up my chances for school next year and a better paying job because I can't make some freaking phone calls. What is wrong with me.

Yeah, I've...calmed down a little, but I guess that's what LJ is for. Everyone feels better after ranting.

I'll figure things out. I shouldn't jump to conclusions when I'm tired and feeling sick.

Part of me wants an excuse for another really emo entry, but that's just stupid.

I really hate being suspended in-between things. Something needs to start, happen...I don't know. I'm ready to go somewhere. Do something. If I get into school it doesn't start until September. If I don't...another year of working (though hopefully at a better job) more rent to pay, staying at home unless Masha gets that apartment (at least I'll be able to afford it?) and taking classes here and there, probably applying early decision for next year. At least there's an end in sight? I'm just finally ready but nothing else is, and it's frustrating.

My math course starts Tuesday...fun fun. >.>

Really want to be doing more creative things, but it's hard to do photoshop work when I know I'm not going to have much time...I can't wait until I've got a regular schedule again. At least I've been writing more--paragraph RP is helping the prose along again. XD I should get back to my originals, as well as the one I'm writing with akisolj.

I am...really excited for PortCon, though. I have all my cosplay materials for both costumes except the sweater for Zack, plus a wig if the one I have doesn't work out, and I started on Elfe the other day...the only problem is if I can't find that sweater, because it's spring now and I should have thought of it before. >.> Maybe a thrift store or, worse comes to worst I can just wear a plain black turtleneck for now.

Romantically, I'm....I really don't know. I think I need to talk to someone, because I have no idea what I'm doing or what to do. I guess that's what I get for waiting, or...something. I love being happy for other people, and I'm grateful for my really close friends, but...it isn't the same, I guess. Again, I...hate being in the middle of things, neither here nor there. That's what it comes down to. >.

Part of me wants to delete the previous entry because I totally made myself look like an idiot. Ah well.

I've been pretty good at saving money recently, but I caved a bit and ordered some doujinshi from jpqueen...limited myself to 3, though, since PortCon is in two months. I should just make a doujinshi wishlist, since that's all I seem to want lately. Besides a Crisis Core wallscroll of some sort, which I can't seem to find anywhere.

( in which I babble about doujinshi. )

Another bad dream in which I get shot to death by a firing squad. Joy. Must be stress.

I hate my morbid imagination sometimes.

Application sent to RiT. Finally. All that's left is the optional essay for DigiPen. I don't understand why this took me so long. I think some of it had to do with writer's block.

I want to go to school this fall so badly. So what the hell was I thinking, waiting this long? x.x

If I end up going to RiT and don't like it, I'll transfer next year...but I really just need to get out of here and LEARN. God. Never thought I'd say that.

Video Game design program for the win.


Crisis Core: Level 74, mission completion @ 81%. FINALLY got Magic Pot for the DMW. x.x I saw ONE in two whole games and now all of a sudden they're popping up everywhere. So all I need for completion percentages is that, Tseng (80%) and Aerith (90%).

Must file state taxes. Hng. But I need the extra money. Saving up for a laptop of my own, and I have to pay for PortCon registration, hotel and my cosplay supplies.

Waiting to hear the date of my job interview asklddajasldasdlda. Can't wait to be making more than minimum wage, finally. x.x


Eheh, the other day akisolj and I went out to meet usagi_alchemist in Harvard Square in impromptu casual cosplay...XD I was going to be Zack but my wig wasn't anywhere near done, so I put on my Cloud wig and pants and my blue jacket. Aki did casual Aerith and I had my mom teach me how to use the curling iron for her hair...it looked really cute. XD we got a lot of stares, ahaha. (mostly because of me and my crazy spikes.) But it was refreshing. Just to cosplay for the hell of it.

I'm really excited to cosplay Zack, though...for once I'm not an emo character, so I can be my usual dorky goofball self, ahah. Well, I guess Guy is happy but I had to concentrate on being in character (i.e. being afraid of girls) which was actually kind of difficult because...I like girls? XD I am one? Orly kept assaulting me (as Tear) and I eventually just gave up, it was tiring to scream and jump away all the time. XD


( Speaking of girls there's this ad for a clothing website on the side of the page, and one of the girls is wearing this shirt that has this ridiculously dropped neckline that should NOT be able to stay on her and keep her covered, and it's extremely distracting. Who the hell would wear that anyway. AKA I apparently really am a lesbian. )

I'm not afraid of standing still
I'm just afraid of being bored
I'm not afraid of speaking my mind
I'm just afraid of being ignored

I'm not afraid of feeling and I'm not afraid of trying
I'm just afraid of losing and I am afraid of dying

Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too
Without you yes I do

I'm not afraid of being sick
I'm more afraid of being well
I'm not afraid, put the gun in my hand
I'm just afraid it will hurt like hell

I'm not afraid of screaming and I'm not afraid of crying
I'm just afraid of forgetting and I am afraid of dying

So, last night I had the first dream that I remembered in a while, which involved me cosplaying as Jag Fel and participating in what I guess was some strange Star Wars/Tales of the Abyss/Kingdom Hearts crossover movie. Except, you know, I'm blonde. Hah.

And since I haven't read anything Star Wars related in at least three years, and don't even remember the guy's personality, I blame this on people's awesome cosplay photos.

*sigh* Most likely my brain is trying to make up for missing the Boston Cosplay Picnic on Saturday. I wish someone had TOLD me because I totally would have gone...

*is itching to work on her PortCon costumes/just go out in public wearing Riku for the hell of it*

...also wish I knew someone nearby who likes taking photos, because I have so few photos of my costumes, and I have no clue if my camera has a timer or not x.x It also just sucks at taking good-quality pictures in general. I want to see if I look any better in proffessional photos or if I'm just horribly unphotogenic.

Jumping on the bandwagonnn. Because I'm bored and curious. And trying to put off going to bed even though I have to get up early for work tomorrow. -_-

What fictional character do I most remind you of? (Personality-wise, not looks-wise, because not all of you have met me.)

If you post this in your journal, I'll answer the question in return. :D

Got two of my wisdom teeth out this morning. -_- Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...they gave me like, six shots of novicaine but after that I couldn't feel anything, really. And I've been taking ibuprofen consistently, so it hasn't started hurting too badly. I just got sick of the wads of gauze in my mouth, so I taste blood every now and then, but it's bearable. And I get ice cream. XD

Basically sat in bed all day playing Crisis Core... started drawing a submission for the DA Square Enix contest for the heck of it. Traditional art since haven't really in a while. I dunno if I'll finish in time for the deadline, let alone be able to scan it, but whatever. I came up with a fun concept so I want to finish it anyway.

Hng. So yeah. I'm not going to be online much/for how long I don't know cuz...well, or various reasons that give me a headache, my parents took my computer. I'm saving up for my own laptop now anyway, but I don't know how long it'll take...


( And speaking of Crisis Core--yes, I'm still rambling about it. )

Edit: Final Fantasy 7/Kingdom Hearts iconpost here. (Wow, it's been a while since I've made a bunch of icons. x.x)



Yeah, so, I was remembering how a friend and self-styled rival of mine in middle school (some of you might know him...) used to call me "Istanbul", because, you know, all long names starting with "I" sound the same. And I was like, "oh, haha, that song, I remember it, it's so silly."

And since I have no life, I made this:





...aaand here's a bonus from that gif I made a while ago.





...in other CC news, started my new game +, which is pathetically easy since I'm...level 41...but I've been spamming missions since I'm no longer desperate to learn the whole plot, and I got to a Normal level one, but there are enemies that cast Death, and it's fricking annoying. Is there an accessory that wards against Death? Does MBarrier work? salsadlsdalkasdkl;a I don't want to waste my Phoenix Downs fighting trash, because I'm going to try to fight Minerva this time around...

So, about not beating it tonight. (this morning?) I lied.

Tried to sleep, but it wasn't happening, so...maybe once I get it out of my system. Let's see how coherent I am.


( Legend will speak of sacrifice at world's end. )


I waited for you today, but you didn't show
no, no, no
I needed you today, so where did you go?
you told me to call, said you'd be there
and though I haven't seen you
are you still there?

I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel you by my side
so I'll hold tight to what I know
you're here and I'm never alone

and though I cannot see you
and I can't explain why
such a deep, deep reassurance
you've placed in my life

we cannot separate, cause you're part of me
and though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel you by my side
so I'll hold tight to what I know
you're here and I'm never alone

Considering I've been waiting for this game for over a year, I'm gonna rant about it until I beat it. And probably long after that. XD


( Spoilers, Modeoheim through Nibel Plains. )


...in other news, getting my wisdom teeth out in a week. Joy. >.

Hmm, I seem to have this trend of staying up till really early in the morning playing a game until I get my first game over. It's a bit bad for my sleep schedule. XD

My mom predictably chewed me out for buying a PSP, even though she wouldn't have said anything if I had gotten a new iPod. *sigh* She just hates video games, no matter how much I try to reason with her.

That said, I am enjoying myself immensely. Though--why the hell are the piano black PSPs made out of such shiny plastic!? You can see every fingerprint on them as clear as day! No wonder Aki is so protective/Max always played his with gloves on.

( A bit of fangirling and a review of the English version on the game so far. Possible spoilers. )

I've got Crisis Coreeeee.

It's shiny.



...Kunsel is such a stalker. XDDD STOP SENDING ME MAIL IN THE MIDDLE OF IMPORTANT MISSIONS GODDAMMIT.